I Cannot Pinpoint the Exactness of My Sadness, Despite How Well I am Doing

Seriously, I caught myself doing that heavy sigh too much Sunday. Took a beautiful power walk on the greenbelt along the river early. Sigh. Got my act together to show up to church rather than stream the service like I usually do. Sigh. Went to the grocery store to get a few things for a dinner I am cooking tomorrow night. Sigh. I am getting tired of myself. I wonder if my dog, Zeke, is thinking the same.

You all are going to think, well shit, look what you have been through. The point is, that is in the past. Life begins with birth and ends with death and we just don’t get to plan these life events as we would prefer to. Sometimes it is a shock as it was for me with Paul. No matter what, my heart aches more for his daughters than myself. I do miss Paul very much, but I am the one very alive.

I have been thinking, wondering how on earth I am doing so well. I guess I can attribute that to always waking up happy. Heck, why not!? And, I can also attribute my process to my Buddhist practice which has and gives me the tools to carry on. Then, there is God. I know He is there and sending me boosts of atta girl to me. I smile as I write this because I have received some astonishing gifts from Him and the Universe.

So, why am I sad?

Grief is an interesting and at yet annoying process. You sure as heck cannot fast track it, take it from me. I found a card someone must have given me last Fall, and the quote is this: “If you suppress grief too much, it can well redouble” – Molière

Yes, indeed. I have learned talking about grief is like medicine. Blogging has been a magnificent outlet to tell those that follow my blog, my friends on Facebook and Twitter, what is going on. We don’t get together but we do stay in touch, 21^st Century style.

My other medicine of sorts is cooking. Cooking by myself. I played in my kitchen Sunday afternoon and in to the evening, hoping to calm that inner sad nag. I made my Garden Herb Salt tonight, and then did refrigerator pickles in rice vinegar with red pepper flakes. That did make my house smell better than my mood. Ok, I am laughing now, a much needed chuckle.

They say to talk to others about your grief. Sometimes I wonder it that other person is tired of the story. But, I need to tell you – all of you out there –  that I do need to talk about it and so do others that are grappling with grief. Please do listen. Someday it will be your turn. I will be there for you. You can count on it.

I hope I have not overlooked circumstances or things in my grief process, even the things that have come to haunt me lately.  I suppose sooner or later these things will work themselves out. And yet, I am grateful that I can still laugh.

Thank goodness I wake up happy.

#grief #lifelesson #cooking #happy