I Can’t Seem to Find My Way Out, No Matter What I Do

This weekend I found myself in the throes of feelings of loneliness of the grieving period. Which leads me to ask myself, how can I possibly even think that I am “alone” when I have so many friends, when I have terrific siblings, when I even have great neighbors? But is being alone the same as being lonely?

Tough question, even tougher answer.  expect nothing

I am just not sure about a number of things right now. It’s as if I entered a tunnel and I can see the light at the end, but the journey seems to be taking its grand ole time. I went back in to my heart, to the time when our parents passed away in 2006, twenty days apart. Yes, 20 days apart.

You see, our parents knew where they were going, so they truly make their end of life journey easy for us. My brothers and sister and I always have been close, but this experience gave us the gift of bonding even closer. I’m not going to sugar coat this, it was painful. And, yet it was so beautiful to be by their side as they let go. I don’t feel as alone as I did nine years ago. I feel so different now, though.

The feeling of loss really hits you when you no longer can pick up the phone to tell them something that you thought about, or something that just happened or something you saw that you know they would have really liked. It’s even harder when you cannot say I love you any longer. I think I am at that place again, not being able to pick up the phone. Not getting a text in the middle of the day. I know I will feel different in time, but what am I going to do until then?

I have decided to get on with that journey but I am going to expect nothing. And yet, appreciate everything. As simple as that.

And, I saying I love you again is not a dream, it is a reality.

#grief #lifelesson #loneliness #loss

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