It’s happening now and I am scared. Eight months after Paul died, I am wondering why and yet at the same time, wondering when. I would give anything to be able to talk to Paul and ask him what he wants me to do. However, in all honesty, I already know what he would want for me. That is the hard part, accepting that it just may be okay for me to live again. As if I stopped at all, but not in the way of opening my heart to possibilities.
I think this may be the most difficult thing for a person to do after the death of a loved one, no matter what the relationship was. When you love someone deeply, that never stops in your heart; that love never ceases to exist. But that love that you always felt would be there is all of the sudden no longer there physically, no longer there in the same emotional way. It is so bewildering. And yet, you have to accept the fact that this confusion is a part of the process for those left behind.
If you know me you know that no matter what, I wake up happy every day. I have that first thing in the morning happiness that has given me the strength to carry on since Paul died. It was not easy. Some mornings I did not even want to get out of bed, I did not want to have to pack and move, I did not want to even go to work. But my sweet dog needed his daily hike/run, I needed to find my own space again, and my career seemed to have taken me to a place of contentment again. All in due time.
As for the possibility of living and loving again, I have come to finally accept that there are no accidents in life. These accidents may also have a challenge assigned to them. For me, the challenge is to be a respectful listener, to practice better understanding, to have a deeper compassion and to love again.
There are no accidents in life. I met and loved Paul for a reason. Paul taught me one of my most cherished life lessons: he taught me true, unconditional love. Thank you, Paul for the most beautiful lesson of life.
I want that again.
#grief #lifelesson #possibility #noaccidentsinlife