Okay, confession time. I am angry at Paul for dying. It’s not what you think.
Ever since he has been gone, I have been diagnosed with bizarre maladies. Acoustic neuroma. Hiatal hernia. Pulmonary embolism was so critical that the clots clustered in my lungs. Severe sleep apnea. The doctors thought when I had my PE that it put pressure on my heart, and a year later we discovered I had an enlarged aorta. A year after that I had open heart surgery.
You see, Paul was a PCP (primary care physician). I would have been so happy to have him by my side for all that. But I had to carry on because that wish is impossible.
Last week I found out my hernia got worse. It is now called a para esophageal hernia and it literally is next to or on top of my diaphragm. (At least that is what it looks like from the CT scan). That is a bit close to my lungs. But close enough to be serious. I went inward into a pity party.
I miss Paul so damn much. But looking on the positive side, I had an ah ha moment on Friday night. It occurred to me that my anger and anxiety was stemming from grief. Nine years later.
Ah yes, grief again. I am sad Paul is not here to comfort me right now. I am sad to acknowledge another health issue that is far from ordinary is happening without him telling me not to worry. Although if he was here, he would be worried! I am sad that he is not here to assure me it is going to be okay. The surgeon I hired is a master at his craft of robotic repair for this particular diagnosis. I really am not afraid.
What is creeping up is anxiety about this surgery. The anxiety brought to light how much I miss Paul and his loving compassion for anything medicine. He was such a gifted physician. He would calm me and assure me that the surgery will go well.
My ah ha moment helped me look at all this in a completely different light. Gratitude.
What I am now admitting to myself right this minute as I type is gratitude for my sister who will fly to Idaho to help me post op. Well, she is flying in next weekend so we can eat the best food in the valley since she lives where many ethnic restaurants do not exist!
And my sister friends! Wow, I am so grateful I have an awesome tribe here in the Treasure Valley. So, as much as I miss Paul, I have so much love surrounding me in my life that my ah ha moment reminded me of what I have in my life.
I think I am exhausted about being such a strong woman but I carry on nonetheless!
#hernia #surgery #bestrong #keepcalmandcarryon
I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been through so much, yikes. I feel very blessed and lucky that I’m healthy. When ever I get low, I remind myself, so many others have it much worse than what I’m going through.
Laurie, It takes incredible courage to put such personal thoughts and feelings to paper and then share them with the world. Sharing and acknowledging your vulnerability will help to make you strong and your family and tribe will tighten their circle around you. You are such a gift to the world with your talents and wisdom. I know you can feel the love surrounding you. Lean on us until your wings are strong enough to give you flight. â¤ï¸