Guess What? I Am Still Happy

Grieving is such an odd ball of wax, a difficult process to pinpoint and even hard, oh so hard to stuff in a box. You have to face it head on otherwise you just will not heal. Remember the ride I mentioned in my last post? It’s a roller coaster and your stomach rolls with every punch. Dang it! I have to tell you, it really is worth every teardrop.

So many people and friends have said to me, “Oh you were so happy with Paul”. Or, “Paul was so happy when he met you, he was so happy with you”. Guess what? I am still happy and I know he crossed over at a time in his life that he was the happiest he ever had been.

My happiness did not end with his untimely death. Rather, my happiness took a different route.  His happiness did not end. It is just in another place. Memories? Yes. In heaven? Yes.

Let me explain. I want those of you reading this that are experiencing grief,  to be open to happiness even when you feel in your heart all is lost. Believe me, I am reading all sorts of blogs, publications and books about grieving right now. No matter what, I learn something from each piece I read. It’s just like school, you don’t have to remember every single thing but you can remember what meant the most to you.

My happiness now is the comfort in knowing we had an amazing relationship; we were so much more than lovers. We were absolutely the best of friends, we did everything together.  We were not just committed, we made decisions together.  Even though I did not have the opportunity to be a mother, he showed me the ecstasy of being a devoted parent, a very loving father. We shared passions together, whether it was Buddhism, baseball, reading, hiking, camping, biking, and so forth.

My happiness now is knowing that we shared a profound love as well as a great relationship. My happiness is recalling his wry smile, his loud laugh, his sarcastic sense of humor, his love of baseball – well, really the Los Angeles Dodgers and the National League, his passion for his livelihood. He loved being a family practice physician and caring for his patients.  I experienced great joy in listening to him telling me about his day. (HIPPA police – forget it, he was discreet).

I am still happy, I always was, and I will continue to be happy because I want to heal and be a better person from this experience.  I know Paul wants that for me as well.

And yes, I am heartbroken. But when I recall fond memories of Paul, I smile with joy of gratitude for his eternal gift of love. {heavy sigh}

#grief #grieving #happiness #loss #happy