November 2016: Dear Paul… #GriefNeverEnds

Dear Paul,

I have been thinking of you a great deal. Your birthday passed a few weeks ago. The day you had your cardiac arrest passed, which is the date I consider when you died. Four days later, we had to pull your life support. I knew you were not in your body because you went so quickly.

I still miss you.

I miss everything but the past few months I have missed you more, having to go to several doctor appointments alone. I have been taking care of all the health care items you nagged me about, and then some. You told me a story once, that if a physician ever told me they wanted to be a doctor since they were at a young age, that person was a good doctor. Because they cared. So true! You truly cared for your patients, and the stories they told me gave me so much comfort after you were gone. I have found a few good docs to rely on, the first being my new primary care physician. I chose an independent doctor, just like you.

Zeke is now a whopping 90 pounds and he has congestive heart failure. He is responding well to his meds, but I have had to accept the fact I won’t have him by my side as I thought I would. He is such a good dog! Except for that “come” command!

The 2016 election in the United States was exceptionally awful. You would be grateful to have missed the unprecedented drama, and it will be going on for quite some time. I have lost a few friends over it. Some I don’t care, some I do. I cannot change who I am and how I feel. And, I won’t. So, I must let go as I am sure they have as well.

Oh, get this: my siblings are I are officially spread across the states. From Florida to Minnesota to Idaho to California. I foresee family reunions in our future!

I continue to be involved in Beginners Mind Sangha. Sangha has been the source of infinite grounding, solid friendships, great joy. Thank you so very much for introducing me to Buddhism and this community. They help prop me up when I need it the most. I have discovered that asking for help when I need it is necessary from time to time.

I have learned so much since you died. The first year was filled with tears and grief. I thank God every day that He gave me the gift of being positive. The second year was a year to get to know myself again. It’s not so much that I had changed, but that I am different now.

I have been living again, too. It’s time.

Love always,

Laurie

#grief #lifelesson #Iambetternowthough #change #healing #transition